King of the Holloway Road
Let’s get it out there now. Do we want to win any trophies if they have asterisks by them? The Blues are clearly going to sweep the board this season. Will their achievements be tainted? But seriously...
View ArticleThe Rich (And the Poor)
Current COVID status: you’re on your fucking own – the alehouse may or may not be open. It’s just a good job Everton are good. We approach the derby game with a perfect record while Liverpool come off...
View ArticleCombustion
A talismanic figure injured and questions over who can possibly replace him. Seamus Coleman has started the season brilliantly supporting James Rodriguez down Everton’s right-hand side; Carlo Ancelotti...
View ArticleLike a Mirror Loves a Hammer
Something something something about it being fitting that it was Virgil van Dyke’s former club something something something. The changes to Everton’s team, enforced by injury and idiocy, had a genuine...
View ArticleHave You Been Good To Yourself?
Carlo Ancelotti’s gamble that Newcastle are ‘just shite’, and so any line-up should really beat them, backfired all too predictably at the Massive Mugs And Them Huge Carrier Bags That All The Homeless...
View ArticleEverton Starts With an E
‘Not laughing now are you, cunts?’ M. Cyrus, December 2020 In their own inimitable style, Everton reserved their free-scoring scintillating South-American sexy soccer for the empty stadiums of...
View ArticleEverton 1 Chelsea 0
David Byrne talks about restrictions being liberating – how they spark creativity far more than a blank canvas or an unlimited budget. That was certainly the case on Saturday evening at Goodison, when...
View ArticleEverton 2 Arsenal 1
Remember James Rodriguez? That all seems a while ago, doesn’t it? As the old saying goes, necessity is the motherfucker of invention, and this ‘pure Moyes’ Everton 2.1 are absolutely thriving despite...
View ArticleSheffield United 0 Everton 1
What’s 12 inches long, pink and gives pleasure? For all the soul-searching when the Cobra Kai, defend-deep-strike-swiftly mantra of the previous three games failed us against Manchester United, the...
View ArticleEverton 3 Sheffield Wednesday 0
The Owls are not what they seem. Well, in fact, they are. Sheffield Wednesday, with their manager who you all thought was some Spanish fella in poor health until the commentator said he is Neil...
View ArticleEverton 1 Leicester City 1 (feat. Pitbull)
What have the edges of a parking ticket and defensive displays got in common? Fine margins. If hologram hands Jordan Pickford fulfils the very basic requirements of his job description and prevents...
View ArticleLeeds United 1 Everton 2
Well slap me on the ass and call me Barry. The standard spiel here is something along the lines of: Carlo Ancelotti was looking for a reaction from his players at Elland Road after the disappointment...
View ArticleLove and Hate in a Different Time
You normally expect us to get ‘remand centre romanced’ in the derby, but despite the last two results, can you honestly say you go into this one with no hope? Yes, there was an element of ‘Oh I like it...
View ArticleLiverpool 0 Everton 2
The most satisfying thing about this win is that it flew in the face of the narrative that was already being written. And let’s be honest, you couldn’t really blame the whole Shankly-Industrial...
View ArticleChelsea 2 Everton 0
Fancy missing The Great Pottery Throwdown to watch this load of shite. Everton have been getting away with it for a bit now, and at Stamford Bridge a number of their limitations were exposed by...
View ArticleEverton 1 Burnley 2
You can’t help feel that these Everton players are going to look back on this season as a massive opportunity missed. Carlo Ancelotti insists that Europa League qualification has always been the...
View ArticleEverton 0 Manchester City 2
Games against City are complete outliers, especially in the age of the empty stadium. Before we start here, if you’re expecting any sort of analysis or critique of the present Everton set up or their...
View ArticleStep On
It was probably Ben Goldacre who said that the Daily Express is committed to dividing everything in the world into two groups: things that cause cancer and those that reduce your chances of developing...
View ArticleLift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven
It doesn’t feel like there’s a lot left to say about the Super League Six now. But we will anyway. If one more fucker proclaims, all worldly-wise that ‘It’s all about money’, I’m going to go full Why...
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