On The Streets Tonight
So here we are again. The royal blue boa constrictor is slowly, inexorably crushing the life out of everyone who has even a passing affection for the club. Farhad Moshiri’s peevish statements this week...
View ArticleGet Your Ingles Out
‘So, question for Bill Beaumont’s team. You’ve given away a stupid free-kick about 25 yards out, your goalkeeper’s left an enormous gap at the near post and James Ward-Prowse is set to take it. What...
View ArticleWest Ham Preview
What a sordid little encounter this is. Perhaps then it’s appropriate that it’s at the home of a club run by estimable purveyors of jazz mags, wrist pamphlets and other assorted one-handed media. You...
View ArticleToo Late To Turn Back Now
The slow-motion car crash that has been Frank Lampard’s managerial stint at Goodison finally reached the conclusion that’s been more or less nailed on since before the World Cup and he’s been given the...
View ArticleThe Dyche Man Cometh
In 12 months time no doubt the piece bookending the big lad’s Goodison tenure with this one will be entitled ‘Fire and Dyche’. Anyway, who saw this coming? Despite all the names that have been...
View ArticleEverton 1 Arsenal 0
There was so much good about this, not least that wet-mouthed little fart Piers Morgan shitting the bed. Standard Everton proceedings saw people pay actual money to send a light aircraft circling the...
View ArticleGareth Barry Can’t Swim
Hiraeth. A deep longing and nostalgia for something irretrievably lost. This Welsh word is mulled over in Lucy Easthorpe’s staggering When The Dust Settles, and while it seems trite to then apply it to...
View ArticleDon’t Pay On The Ferry, Man
It’s been a while, but, you know. That Coronation didn’t organise itself. Just saying. Shit’s getting heavy now. We’re juggling with chainsaws. The merest slip and you’re getting nutmegged playing...
View ArticleBrighton 1 Everton 5 (possession is nine tenths of a bore)
Dwight McNeil, Dwight McNeil To be on your own And score away from home. I probably should have hung fire, crying relegation in with the last piece, and been what Steve Bunce always calls an ‘after...
View ArticleNot a Wolves Preview
Do you reckon the Hackney Branch of the Old Golds’ Supporters Club have their own Warren Zevon-themed chant? That one’s for you, Dave. Obviously it’s no ‘There ain’t no party like an ESCLA party.’ But...
View ArticleBarabarian Days
Come on, come on, get down to Goodison Park. Woo. And so the day of judgement is nearly upon us, when we find out just which sliding doors moment is going to be the one that defines this most gruesome...
View ArticleDon’t Falter
West Ham and Fiorentina there. Looked like they had both expended all their bullets in a tiring end-of-season game on a balmy Prague evening. Only for Jarrod Bowen to appear at the end and deliver the...
View ArticleKILL DEM
Carlo Ancelotti, one of money’s biggest admirers, is apparently taking one of his former pension-toppers, Everton Football Club, to court over, yes, you guessed it: more money. Well this is just...
View ArticleWigan Athletic 0 Everton 1
The Toffees continue to tear it up in pre-season, with new signing Ashley Young ‘getting off the mark’ with the winner on his debut. The ankle-clasping veteran looked decent throughout, as you would...
View ArticleDisorder
Do you reckon they will be fighting over the magic-car-themed headline when Everton’s new Portuguese striker scores a quick-fire brace to win next season’s game at the Etihad? CHERMITI CITY BANG! BANG!...
View ArticleEverton 1 Sporting Lisbon 0
Vile weather and the visit of some accomplished continental keep-ball merchants had all the makings of a pre-season Goodison boo-fest. However, solid and spirited performances from both teams resulted...
View ArticleEverton 0 Fulham 1
Slack finishing and a highly questionable decision by the referee Stuart Attwell left Everton exposed to the sucker-punch duly delivered late in the game by Bobby de Cordova-Reid. The Blues started...
View ArticleAston Villa 4 Everton 0
We’ve played this game before. Not just the Toffees versus the Villans – the most played game in the top flight – but the one where Everton start slow, go behind and then just collapse completely....
View ArticleEverton 0 Wolves 1 (Beto Superstar)
If that’s how you pronounce his name, like? Alternatively, if he discovered an Irish grandmother and became the captain of the international team, would they refer to them as ‘Beto’s Republic’? Makes...
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